A few years ago, I created a tumblr account, today I created a blog. This is for the small victories in life and the small failures.

Month: July, 2015

Lessons in Nostalgia

It’s odd when you haven’t stopped to reflect on your relationships with others for awhile. And your best friends are no longer your best friends and the people who used to make you smile make you cringe away with nostalgia dripping on the edge of your memories.

Like, my first best friend/neighbor. She’s really into animals and farms and such now. I haven’t talked to her in 12 years.

Or my best friend in soccer. She and I are still close, but we live in different areas. She’s married and has an adorable little boy. We don’t talk often.

Or my first love. It was fucked up. Not going to lie. But he literally walked me through the most suffocating years of my life. And we haven’t talked since the day I turned 19. He used to be so kind. But now he’s lost and drifting.

Or my older brothers. Not really related. But I used to be so close. I would always have a shoulder to turn to. One, I stopped talking to. Because he became rude and arrogant. One, got married. He has a little daughter on the way. He stopped talking to me.

Or my sister. Even when we lived in the same town, we rarely talked. But now we never talk.

Or my two best friends at community college. We have had some distance. But we talk now. And I miss them. I wish I didn’t have to leave them behind. They were the first ones to ever see me drunk.

Or my friends. Who I see on facebook that I used to talk to almost every day. But now I see their pictures and they are making newer happier memories.

Or my first actual love interest. He’s still struggling. But he’s back with his first girlfriend and they are happy. I hope he lives long enough for it to get better.

Or they first guy who introduced me to Tonight Alive. Who wrote me notes in Physics and sang the pokemon theme song to cheer me up.

Or my only friend at private school, who was a compulsive and pathological liar. The best friend a suicidal teen could have.

Or my first boyfriend. Who I still can’t talk about.

Or my new friends. Who go out with me. Who work with me.

Sometimes it’s worth taking a look back. Because I am not saddened by all the changes in my life. But sometimes it’s astounding how much life can change (or not change) in a span of 6 months to 11 years.

I know some friends are friends for life. And I’m glad we still talk.

And I’m thankful to everyone else, for teaching me the lessons that I needed to learn.



Pride& Everyone’s Prejudices

I’m so sick of the way I get treated. At first, I was going to make this post specifically about work. But then I realized that I get a lot of shit for no reason other than the fact that I’m doing okay.

Like how after my first year at an official university, my ex-friend and ex-roommate decided to demand $2000 from me because her sister’s car was dented on the hood when about 5 people sat on it. She decided to call me (and only me) out because I’m fat and we were no longer friends.

Or how my mother demands that I pay all $40k she took out in loans to put me through school, after I told her not to. 

Or how I was going to move into a house, but the two people living there told me I couldn’t move in because they refused to sign the lease so their friend could move in instead. And then when I told them I’d back out. They wanted me to move in just to pay the $800 they would be responsible for if I didn’t move in.

Or how I was told that my pet deposit was $300 with $200 refundable all 5 times I asked before I moved in. And I read the lease six times before signing. And I got less than $100 of the refundable deposit back when I moved out. But a whole month later, they contact me demanding $100 back because they claim $200 was nonrefundable the entire time.

Or how I get yelled at at the motel I work at for things that I am either not guilty of, or everyone else does it. And the one day I don’t cover their asses, I get in trouble.

Or how at the restaurant, I got servers yelling at me all day for their food going out wrong, when 90% of the time, it’s the other expo who pulled the ticket in the first place. Who didn’t even ask for help, or if they did, they didn’t even know what they were looking for. And even after I tell the people yelling at me that it wasn’t my ticket, they continue to yell at me until either they or I go home.

Or how I have a bunch of friends who claim that they are “too busy” to hangout. When I am far more busier than they are, and I find the time to hang out with friends and binge watch netflix.

Or how I get lectures from my family because my friends don’t have the same “values” as me. Because they like alcohol. Or have tried drugs. Or “look like” they are satanists. When my family barely even notices if I graduate. Or never even meets my friends. Because they live a whole town over. But since I like alcohol and I’m a “whore”, all of my friends are influencing me poorly.

Or how I’m not allowed to have opinions, because according to some people I’m just a woman who “hates on opinions” for believing that women should be treated equal. Or because I believe that LGBTQA people should be treated equal. And instead of dissing other people or staying silent, I voice my opinions without forcing them on others. Unless it’s something stupidly hypocritical like “gay isn’t okay–ever. But lesbian is–only if it’s during a threesome.” Then I’ll tell them that they’re contradicting themselves. Which makes me appear like a bitch and a hater.

I’m just tired of being treated like shit because I’m not conventional. Or because people don’t see everything I actually do. Or because I don’t like labels. Or because I am a cisfemale with opinions. Or because I just entered the “real” world in December. I’m sick of people taking advantage of me and 50 year old men stalking from job to job just to tell me I’m beautiful or force their opinions on me.

I am a cisfemale who identifies with she/her pronouns.

I am a feminist who believes that all genders and races should be treated equally. Regardless of their birth gender or sexual orientation.

I stand up for what I believe in–without offending other religions or opinions.

Respect me, or we will have a problem.


P.S. Rant over.


Soup Lids Can Kill… Assholes Who Don’t Like You

I like to scoff in the face of people who say I’m lazy. Okay, that’s not true. But I like to think of myself scoffing in their faces. Some people deserve to be somewhat lazy. I mean–I can’t support myself with one job at minimum wage in this economy, how can I expect someone else to.

I work not one but two minimum wage jobs.

I work at least 55 hours a week.

I don’t have a day off.

I take care of my car.

I take care of three cats.

I have insomnia.

I haven’t had a free summer in over 3 years.

Instead of High School, I got my AAS from community college before I turned 18.

I got my BA in English 6 months before I turned 21.

I am currently studying for the GRE.

And I get yelled at a lot. For a lot of things I didn’t do. But I like/need my jobs.

I live alone in a two bedroom apartment that is $400 more than my last rent.

And I still find time to hang out with my friends. Or binge watch netflix.

So I’m sorry if I seem lazy or irritable to you. It might just be that I didn’t get any sleep between my shifts at the motel and my shifts at the restaurant. Or I might just be out of it and slicing my thumb open on a freaking soup lid. (Btw, it was the sole reason I left before the other person on my job.) Anyway, there is no reason for me to be taking shit and to be called lazy.

I work hard to be where I am in life.

eI work hard to be who I am in life.

And you don’t have to be my friend or my family if you don’t like me for me.


P.S. I actually did slice my thumb open on a soup lid. And for once I did go home before the other expo. I mean, I still did all of the work stocking and such. But I got to take the first break and leave before the other expo. Which has literally never happened once since I started expoing. So it was awesome. Plus now I know to stay away from soup lids before they kill someone. (And I really do love my job at the restaurant.)