whispersofanaiadeia

A few years ago, I created a tumblr account, today I created a blog. This is for the small victories in life and the small failures.

Category: Uncategorized

Honesty

 

I have this thing about honesty. I don’t understand why you could paint an elaborate picture, just to try to deceive me for some assumption you made about me. However, if I was being honest, I would tell you that you scare me.

 

I woke up. I regained consciousness. I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attacks make it difficult to breathe—but so does a chokehold. I don’t remember consenting to this. I don’t remember consenting to that. Someone help. I can’t stand up for myself while I struggle to breathe.

 

I was horrified you were going to destroy me. To ruin me. To enslave me as you have others. I was even more terrified when I saw my blood on you. You ripped me into pieces—literally. Antibiotics had to be given.

 

You tried to take me in the bathroom. Turn over. That’s where I drew the line.

 

Your phone goes off. I have to take Callie to work. I think I asked you to stay. You say you can’t find your sock, but you leave anyway.

 

I never wanted to fuck you. Sympathy Sex. Instead, I woke up confused and violated. And even though I love you, I never want you to touch me again.

22

whispersofanaiadeia

{A/N: one of the reasons I’m going through trauma therapy.}

I’m not sure if I remember it correctly. I mean—it was my birthday. When I turned twenty-one, I didn’t have a big blow out. I invited a couple of friends out and got a decent little buzz. When I turned twenty-two, I went for it. I decided to make a little post on my Facebook account and announce, “Hey! Thursday is my birthday! Start at the Palace at 11pm!” I never expected you to come. In fact, only three people met me at the Palace. My coworker was late relieving me. I had to use our shared unisex bathroom to change into my little black dress and lace leggings. I even used the mirror to add more makeup. I had forgotten to wear contacts, but I put on the full face of makeup anyway. I drove like a maniac to…

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22

{A/N: one of the reasons I’m going through trauma therapy.}

I’m not sure if I remember it correctly. I mean—it was my birthday. When I turned twenty-one, I didn’t have a big blow out. I invited a couple of friends out and got a decent little buzz. When I turned twenty-two, I went for it. I decided to make a little post on my Facebook account and announce, “Hey! Thursday is my birthday! Start at the Palace at 11pm!” I never expected you to come. In fact, only three people met me at the Palace. My coworker was late relieving me. I had to use our shared unisex bathroom to change into my little black dress and lace leggings. I even used the mirror to add more makeup. I had forgotten to wear contacts, but I put on the full face of makeup anyway. I drove like a maniac to the Palace where I met Miri and Brianna and took the full stoplight shot. Green is for go! Yellow is for speed up! Red is for—I don’t remember…rightly so. Living in a small town is perfect for getting all the free drinks on your birthday. From there, we went to the Tav and ordered a pitcher of beer we all shared. That’s where we met Pat. He’s an okay guy. You were all pressuring me to head over to Shooters so we could indulge in some gaming while we drank, but first we made a pit stop at the frontier for yet another birthday shot. As we traveled down the darkened alley, we came across you and Ian. I was focused on Ian, but I invited you along too. I’m not sure why you didn’t notice how my eyes were glazed over or my dress was askew. But I didn’t ask. This was the point where I took every person aside separately. I told each one to keep me away from you. I knew I was going to be drunk, and I knew that drunk Laekin had a secret thing for you. They all swore.

 

Cue Shooters, your ex-girlfriend was waiting for me with balloons, crowns, necklaces, even a huge “Birthday Girl” button. She even made me cupcakes. That was when we were close. No one else had never done that for me. This is where things go dark. Maybe some of them are blurry, but most of them are dark. We were going to 301, but somehow we ended up at Blue Rock for another birthday shot. They didn’t do the reverse cowgirl as only one person was even in the bar in the middle of July. But it was fun anyway—maybe next year. Somehow I ended up at 301. I went to the bathroom right away. When I came back I had a birthday shot in front of me. I swore to Jerrad I didn’t order it, as I had my official birthday drink the night before, but he let me have it anyway. Some women bought me the melon shot. Green is my favorite color, and the melon tastes so refreshing. Smoking—in the beer garden. I had a water in one hand and vodka in the other. The after party—my place. I was stoked you were there. You could make the drinks. Your ex-girlfriend was hitting on you, so I cockblocked her. I may have hit on you too. Ian came even though she was there. It was crowded. My packed boxes in the way and seven people crammed into a studio apartment. I didn’t even have space to sit on my couch. You spilled root beer on my Keurig box. I had to apologize to the new owner when I sold it for drinking money.

 

Everyone is leaving. I don’t know why. I don’t want you to leave. You smoke cloves on the porch as I hold your arm. You ask me to stop doing that. I don’t know what I was doing. Ian and Miri leave, they ask if you want a ride. I’ll take care of her. Your ex-girlfriend is asleep on my couch upstairs. You slide your hand up my dress and try to satisfy me. I try to tell you to stop, but I can’t stifle my moans long enough. I mention that a cop is going to drive by, you refuse to listen. When the cop drives by Shit. We move to the bushes. I ask you if you have to leave. You wore me down. Happy Birthday. Do you want to get on top?

 

She’ll know. I refuse to put my leggings back on just to take them off once I get upstairs. I said I don’t care. I passed out. Your ex-girlfriend helped me find my glasses and rehydrated me. I think she may have suspected something when she walked me to my car, but she didn’t say anything until two weeks later when she blocked me.

Cap and Gown

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

 

 

Sun punishes my pale, unscreened face. The decorated red cap provides no protection as it glides from the back of my head to the soft, warm grass. As we are guided to our seats, onlookers scream and cheer our names. The mid-life crisis key note speaker drones about his own “rite of passage” 30 or so years ago. His hangover story the day of graduation suddenly reminds me of Franco’s flask as the sun bears down on the gowns at 10am. Secretly hoping that the camera would glimpse me, I take a quick swig and pass it down to Zach.

 

Queue the adolescents.

Cue their names.

Hand them empty folders.

 

Deafened by the crowd, I hope to hear the cheers of my vocational family.

 

 

 

 

Nothing.

 

 

 

 

I fight to say “good luck”, “have fun”, “see you later” and embrace my friends when suddenly my phone chirps.

 

Mom:

We’ll meet you at your house.

 

“What degree?”           “Why English?”           “What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”

“Why don’t you move back?”              “What degree?”           “Why English?”           “What now?”

“What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”      “What degree?”       “Why English?”

“Why English?”           “What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”        “What degree?”

 

I feel my face flushing, voice straining, and patience waning. My soccer mom Aunt Kara calls me an “ungrateful bitch” and refuses to leave the car. 15 minutes later, my mom and grandma climb back in the SUV to go thrifting, leaving me with my 6’7” step-dad Jeff to take me home before he drives back to Wenatchee alone.

 

Undressing in the heat and curling, crawling into my covers, I celebrate by myself as my eyes drift slowly.

 

Zeeeeeeeeen, drama, and moreeeee

Yesterday, after work, I went to a Lake all the way in Rosyln with my friend and her friend. The drive was super gorgeous. And I didn’t have service the whole time (4 hours). And the view was so pretty. But I didn’t take any pictures because some things just can’t be captured. And we all just connected to nature. The spot we went to was a little rocky. But we just waded in the water soaking in the sun, the cold water, the slight breeze, and the earth beneath our toes. It was really relaxing. I needed it.

Then I went to bed super early.

Then I woke up and went to work. And for once I didn’t get yelled at for something I didn’t do–or well for anything. Which was spectacular. And I got the easy side work for once. Unfortunately there was a bit of a dramatic outburst on the cook line. One guy rage left and refused to work tomorrow. It left us one cook short. But things went okay. Apparently my other expo got pulled off to do some other work for a bit of time, but he came back to help. Which was good because all of the food came up at once. But I even got to leave first! Which was awesome and purely because I didn’t go on break until after I finished all of my side work.

And now I just spruced up my resume for some job searching. I love the restaurant. But if I don’t get full time there, I need either a 3rd job or to quit the motel for a new full time job in September.

But for now I’ll relax because my feet are sore and I get to work both jobs tomorrow.

Laekin

P.S. I get paid tomorrow(hopefully)!

P.P.S. I also applied for food stamps. Since all but $350 of all my paychecks go only to my rent and utilities.

1 Broke Girl; 2 jobs

Awhile back I was having a really tough time finding a job. But I put on my adult panties and went around to every place that I knew was hiring. As a result, I was instantly hired at a restaurant.

Unfortunately, the hours didn’t get me enough money for rent and food much less paying student loans. So I continued the job search for a second job.

This time I was hired by a motel to be a front desk person with a guaranteed 32 hours a week.

And that is the story of how I became a slave to the American system and exhaustion. It is also the reason behind the lack of posts.

Laekin

April fools: Feminism poetry(?)

So I’ve been extremely focused on my League career. Mostly because I’m a few games shy of level 30.

But anyways, I came up with a good joke that might end up being a poem after some editing. Let me know what y’all think:

Screen Shot 2015-04-01 at 6.36.25 AM

–Laekin

Everything Happened at Once

Hey guys, it has been FOREVER.

Just kidding. It was really more like months. Several months.

Well, I am BACK. Hopefully for good, but no promises yet.

So recap: It was Thanksgiving and shit happened.

What’s happened since then: Shit happened with other nice things involved too.

Essentially my mental state has deteriorated and my brain is mush.

Here’s an overall what you missed list:

  • I graduated.
  • I got a job. I lost a job.
  • I was homeless for a bit.
  • I got asked out.
  • I got a boyfriend:

IMG_5363

  • Christmas. I got this awesome shirt:

  • I spent a late Christmas with the male friend person.
  • I moved into a house. I am renting it. It’s cool.
  • moved into my house. I brought all my stuff. Including my two cats.
  • People started gossiping about my personal life for their own entertainment.
  • My boyfriend and I met some family members. He met my major ones. And I met a couple of his aunts.
  • actually graduated. My little thingy on the website says “Degree awarded”.
  • I lost some friends.
  • I gained cuddly cats.
  • Ugh. Life.

Whomp, there it is.

Laekin

Quotes and Secrets

It’s been a really rough couple of weeks. (1) Thanskgiving, (2) Family, (3) School, and (4) Friends. I’ve been trying to find jobs and places to live in Ellensburg. It’s actually kind of difficult.

(1) I hate holidays. I hate them. They are filled with meaningless small talk and repeated questions. And Thanksgiving is always a really small gathering full of people who don’t listen to what we say. So this year we went to my aunt’s house afterwards. There was somewhere between 30-60 people there. Just the way I like it.

(2) Family is awesome if you have a good communicative family. I didn’t. It’s getting better. But it’s still not there yet. And I had a traumatizing childhood. So I’m not a huge fan of family gatherings. But Thanksgiving was still pretty bad.

(3) School is stressful. Grades, classes, presentations. Oh. I also wrote this fabulous poem for Poetry Writing. But I don’t think I will be able too read it allowed. I am physically not able to read it. Stupid mouth and tongue and speech skills.

(4) Friends. Many many issues. I guess I got upset with one of my friends because of some things that were said. Being upset was completely valid, and I didn’t do anything. Besides wait 3 days for a confrontation. And I skyped my friend in Canada for a long time. It was the most we’ve talked since living in the same town. I even talked to one of my other friends via phone after I got super upset. And after explaining  some things, he made me feel better. Anyway, lots of stress and tears and pain. Because Humans hurt one another. And Pain demands to be felt.

Also, I am on this medication. And it kind of works. Dehydration, Hallucinations, and Insomnia have been happening. But they’re very mild. And all of the side effects simply happen at night. It makes me feel artistic. I guess I am an artist. Plus these are more than likely symptoms of my problem not being suppressed by the meds.

Also I have been doing this thing to distract myself. I find a famous poet or author’s birthday on the day that it is. And I post quotes by them all day. I usually pick quotes  that really hit me hard.

Laekin

 

Devastating News

Hey all,

I’m writing to tell you all that my dreams have died. I am staying in Ellensburg after I graduate from CWU. This does not necessarily mean that my dream of living in Seattle is dead. It is just dead for now.


The reason this happened is because my roommate backed out due to Seattle being expensive and being in limbo until grad school. Well, it is. And since my housing plans were all messed up, and I only had one for sure job, and I’m altogether incapable of going back to Seattle to apartment hunt before I need to move in. So my dream is dead.

I would move back home, but that’s not really an option for me. Due to personal and occupational reasons. Personal being none of your beeswax unless you and I are close friends or friends who want to be close. Occupational being that there are even less writing jobs in Wenatchee than there are in Ellensburg. Who would have thought? Oh wait. I did. That’s why Seattle. 

Anywho I’m still kind of upset that I’m not going to Seattle. And by kind of, I mean a lot. But I know it is what’s right. I had a bad feeling about Seattle. And while I have a good feeling about Ellensburg, it feels wrong to stay after graduation. But it is much better than going back to live with my parents. No matter what, I would have been in a state of limbo until grad school. At least in Ellensburg, I will have help from my previous professors. I just might not get as much of the professional writing experience that I need. Audible sigh. 

And it means I can keep in touch with all my old friends and get closer to my new ones. Before/after work. But I will have more employment opportunities because I’m not restricted by a school schedule. This whole thing hurts. So I’m ending it right here.

Laekin

P.S. I’m sorry for bothering you, but thank you. I really needed to talk to my best friend–at least the one that could calm me down and make me feel better.

P.P.S. If you are a new friend, this means facebook/email/text me in order to hang out!