whispersofanaiadeia

A few years ago, I created a tumblr account, today I created a blog. This is for the small victories in life and the small failures.

Honesty

 

I have this thing about honesty. I don’t understand why you could paint an elaborate picture, just to try to deceive me for some assumption you made about me. However, if I was being honest, I would tell you that you scare me.

 

I woke up. I regained consciousness. I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attacks make it difficult to breathe—but so does a chokehold. I don’t remember consenting to this. I don’t remember consenting to that. Someone help. I can’t stand up for myself while I struggle to breathe.

 

I was horrified you were going to destroy me. To ruin me. To enslave me as you have others. I was even more terrified when I saw my blood on you. You ripped me into pieces—literally. Antibiotics had to be given.

 

You tried to take me in the bathroom. Turn over. That’s where I drew the line.

 

Your phone goes off. I have to take Callie to work. I think I asked you to stay. You say you can’t find your sock, but you leave anyway.

 

I never wanted to fuck you. Sympathy Sex. Instead, I woke up confused and violated. And even though I love you, I never want you to touch me again.

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whispersofanaiadeia

{A/N: one of the reasons I’m going through trauma therapy.}

I’m not sure if I remember it correctly. I mean—it was my birthday. When I turned twenty-one, I didn’t have a big blow out. I invited a couple of friends out and got a decent little buzz. When I turned twenty-two, I went for it. I decided to make a little post on my Facebook account and announce, “Hey! Thursday is my birthday! Start at the Palace at 11pm!” I never expected you to come. In fact, only three people met me at the Palace. My coworker was late relieving me. I had to use our shared unisex bathroom to change into my little black dress and lace leggings. I even used the mirror to add more makeup. I had forgotten to wear contacts, but I put on the full face of makeup anyway. I drove like a maniac to…

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22

{A/N: one of the reasons I’m going through trauma therapy.}

I’m not sure if I remember it correctly. I mean—it was my birthday. When I turned twenty-one, I didn’t have a big blow out. I invited a couple of friends out and got a decent little buzz. When I turned twenty-two, I went for it. I decided to make a little post on my Facebook account and announce, “Hey! Thursday is my birthday! Start at the Palace at 11pm!” I never expected you to come. In fact, only three people met me at the Palace. My coworker was late relieving me. I had to use our shared unisex bathroom to change into my little black dress and lace leggings. I even used the mirror to add more makeup. I had forgotten to wear contacts, but I put on the full face of makeup anyway. I drove like a maniac to the Palace where I met Miri and Brianna and took the full stoplight shot. Green is for go! Yellow is for speed up! Red is for—I don’t remember…rightly so. Living in a small town is perfect for getting all the free drinks on your birthday. From there, we went to the Tav and ordered a pitcher of beer we all shared. That’s where we met Pat. He’s an okay guy. You were all pressuring me to head over to Shooters so we could indulge in some gaming while we drank, but first we made a pit stop at the frontier for yet another birthday shot. As we traveled down the darkened alley, we came across you and Ian. I was focused on Ian, but I invited you along too. I’m not sure why you didn’t notice how my eyes were glazed over or my dress was askew. But I didn’t ask. This was the point where I took every person aside separately. I told each one to keep me away from you. I knew I was going to be drunk, and I knew that drunk Laekin had a secret thing for you. They all swore.

 

Cue Shooters, your ex-girlfriend was waiting for me with balloons, crowns, necklaces, even a huge “Birthday Girl” button. She even made me cupcakes. That was when we were close. No one else had never done that for me. This is where things go dark. Maybe some of them are blurry, but most of them are dark. We were going to 301, but somehow we ended up at Blue Rock for another birthday shot. They didn’t do the reverse cowgirl as only one person was even in the bar in the middle of July. But it was fun anyway—maybe next year. Somehow I ended up at 301. I went to the bathroom right away. When I came back I had a birthday shot in front of me. I swore to Jerrad I didn’t order it, as I had my official birthday drink the night before, but he let me have it anyway. Some women bought me the melon shot. Green is my favorite color, and the melon tastes so refreshing. Smoking—in the beer garden. I had a water in one hand and vodka in the other. The after party—my place. I was stoked you were there. You could make the drinks. Your ex-girlfriend was hitting on you, so I cockblocked her. I may have hit on you too. Ian came even though she was there. It was crowded. My packed boxes in the way and seven people crammed into a studio apartment. I didn’t even have space to sit on my couch. You spilled root beer on my Keurig box. I had to apologize to the new owner when I sold it for drinking money.

 

Everyone is leaving. I don’t know why. I don’t want you to leave. You smoke cloves on the porch as I hold your arm. You ask me to stop doing that. I don’t know what I was doing. Ian and Miri leave, they ask if you want a ride. I’ll take care of her. Your ex-girlfriend is asleep on my couch upstairs. You slide your hand up my dress and try to satisfy me. I try to tell you to stop, but I can’t stifle my moans long enough. I mention that a cop is going to drive by, you refuse to listen. When the cop drives by Shit. We move to the bushes. I ask you if you have to leave. You wore me down. Happy Birthday. Do you want to get on top?

 

She’ll know. I refuse to put my leggings back on just to take them off once I get upstairs. I said I don’t care. I passed out. Your ex-girlfriend helped me find my glasses and rehydrated me. I think she may have suspected something when she walked me to my car, but she didn’t say anything until two weeks later when she blocked me.

Cap and Gown

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

 

 

Sun punishes my pale, unscreened face. The decorated red cap provides no protection as it glides from the back of my head to the soft, warm grass. As we are guided to our seats, onlookers scream and cheer our names. The mid-life crisis key note speaker drones about his own “rite of passage” 30 or so years ago. His hangover story the day of graduation suddenly reminds me of Franco’s flask as the sun bears down on the gowns at 10am. Secretly hoping that the camera would glimpse me, I take a quick swig and pass it down to Zach.

 

Queue the adolescents.

Cue their names.

Hand them empty folders.

 

Deafened by the crowd, I hope to hear the cheers of my vocational family.

 

 

 

 

Nothing.

 

 

 

 

I fight to say “good luck”, “have fun”, “see you later” and embrace my friends when suddenly my phone chirps.

 

Mom:

We’ll meet you at your house.

 

“What degree?”           “Why English?”           “What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”

“Why don’t you move back?”              “What degree?”           “Why English?”           “What now?”

“What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”      “What degree?”       “Why English?”

“Why English?”           “What now?”               “Why don’t you move back?”        “What degree?”

 

I feel my face flushing, voice straining, and patience waning. My soccer mom Aunt Kara calls me an “ungrateful bitch” and refuses to leave the car. 15 minutes later, my mom and grandma climb back in the SUV to go thrifting, leaving me with my 6’7” step-dad Jeff to take me home before he drives back to Wenatchee alone.

 

Undressing in the heat and curling, crawling into my covers, I celebrate by myself as my eyes drift slowly.

 

Mario Kart Rage Quit

So fun story,

I worked a double shift at the restaurant. On accident. Turns out I was scheduled to expo and serve. Which was awesome because I’m serving again. But dear lord. My feet were killing me. And then I was trying to learn to cook. But I got yelled at, so I prepped some food.

And I had plans with friends. That were cancelled because work blew up and one of them couldn’t make it.

But I stayed up really late watching The Cleveland Show with my other friend. And I went to work super early the next morning. And I almost died. I think my body was so exhausted it turned on itself at the end of my shift. I had to stay later too because a large amount of people showed up after everyone else cleared out.

And then I went home forgetting to ask my boss to fill out the worksheet for my food stamps application. So I had to drive all the way back.

Then I passed out. And then I went out to the bars and found out how badly I play mario kart drunk. Also Dirty Minds isn’t that fun of a game. And My friend and I were going to invite the cook from work who was going to join us the night before, but he isn’t 21. So oh well. We had fun.

And then I worked at the motel the next day. so whoop. At least I’m back on that serving grind again.

Laekin

P.S. I’m on episode 75 of Sailor Moon. I might be a little nerdy.

P.P.S. Kaylee and I drunk sang almost all of the songs at the bar.

P.P.P.S. Kaylee thinks someone missed the toilet. She probably has piss on her shoes.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING

NERD ALERT

So I started watching Sword Art Online. And I thought I was going to hate it, but it was amazing and I love it and proves just how horribly my ex knew me. IT WAS AMAZEBALLS. But it was a huge emotional rollercoaster. And then it ended on a sweet note if you ignore the almost incest.

So then I decided to watch Attack on Titan because it’s more actiony and less emotional roller coaster. WELL I WAS WRONG. It was really good in the sense that they literally mind fuck you and only gives you tiny pieces of the mystery so you never fully figure it out. And the scenes where the characters are using the equipment midair are truly amazing. But *SPOILERS*

let’s kill off the mother. Then find out that the sister isn’t actually the sister making another almost incest accident. Also let’s make these sweet innocent children murderers but with a good reason. And let’s make you love them and ship them and never make it canon. AND LET’S MAKE THE ONLY OTHER AMAZING GIRL THE FUCKING ANTAGONIST. BECAUSE WHY NOT. AND LET’S MOSTLY KILL HER OFF. AND LET’S KILL OFF THE AWESOME CAPTAIN’S ONLY LOVE INTEREST. I say only because he’s too fucking picky and weird to have another. OH AND LET’S NOT ANSWER THE ENTIRE DRIVING POINT OF THE SEASON AT THE END OF THE SEASON.

Okay. I’m done. Both shows are amazing and amazingly frustrating. But in my opinion, a show isn’t great if it doesn’t frustrate you for the good reasons.

Laekin

P.S. Any recommendations for my next anime?

Work, Work, More Work, and a girl

I AM EXHAUSTED.

I usually work at the restaurant from 9am-2pm Friday-Sunday. And then I work at the motel from 8am-4pm Monday-Thursday.

But this week we were expecting a huge number of people to be passing through Ellensburg from Watershed. So I was asked to work Monday at the restaurant. And I switched shifts at the motel. So I just got done with a shift.. Had about an hour and a half break, and now I’m currently working a 4pm-12am shift at the motel. Which is good because MONEY. But also not because TIRED.

Also today, I carried super hot plates out to a table, and then right after I lost feeling in half of my hand. So yeah. I have no idea what my body is up to. ALSO, I took out plates and I have a couple of small dents in my arms from where plates were sitting. Which I think is weird because they were DENTS…IN MY ARM. They’re gone now…they went from dents to light red marks. But what the fuck. Humans are weird.

Also I FINALLY got paid. Now I have to do math to figure out how much I’ll owe for rent, utilities, payments and such. (Btw, I also got an income driven payment plan. Now I’m just waiting to hear about my food stamps application.)

Which reminds me, I am super HUNGRY.

Ttfn

Laekin

P.S. My friend is going camping on Thursday and we asked my boss if I could cover for her–serving. And he said he’d think about it. Which is NOT the no that I was expecting.

Zeeeeeeeeen, drama, and moreeeee

Yesterday, after work, I went to a Lake all the way in Rosyln with my friend and her friend. The drive was super gorgeous. And I didn’t have service the whole time (4 hours). And the view was so pretty. But I didn’t take any pictures because some things just can’t be captured. And we all just connected to nature. The spot we went to was a little rocky. But we just waded in the water soaking in the sun, the cold water, the slight breeze, and the earth beneath our toes. It was really relaxing. I needed it.

Then I went to bed super early.

Then I woke up and went to work. And for once I didn’t get yelled at for something I didn’t do–or well for anything. Which was spectacular. And I got the easy side work for once. Unfortunately there was a bit of a dramatic outburst on the cook line. One guy rage left and refused to work tomorrow. It left us one cook short. But things went okay. Apparently my other expo got pulled off to do some other work for a bit of time, but he came back to help. Which was good because all of the food came up at once. But I even got to leave first! Which was awesome and purely because I didn’t go on break until after I finished all of my side work.

And now I just spruced up my resume for some job searching. I love the restaurant. But if I don’t get full time there, I need either a 3rd job or to quit the motel for a new full time job in September.

But for now I’ll relax because my feet are sore and I get to work both jobs tomorrow.

Laekin

P.S. I get paid tomorrow(hopefully)!

P.P.S. I also applied for food stamps. Since all but $350 of all my paychecks go only to my rent and utilities.

Lessons in Nostalgia

It’s odd when you haven’t stopped to reflect on your relationships with others for awhile. And your best friends are no longer your best friends and the people who used to make you smile make you cringe away with nostalgia dripping on the edge of your memories.

Like, my first best friend/neighbor. She’s really into animals and farms and such now. I haven’t talked to her in 12 years.

Or my best friend in soccer. She and I are still close, but we live in different areas. She’s married and has an adorable little boy. We don’t talk often.

Or my first love. It was fucked up. Not going to lie. But he literally walked me through the most suffocating years of my life. And we haven’t talked since the day I turned 19. He used to be so kind. But now he’s lost and drifting.

Or my older brothers. Not really related. But I used to be so close. I would always have a shoulder to turn to. One, I stopped talking to. Because he became rude and arrogant. One, got married. He has a little daughter on the way. He stopped talking to me.

Or my sister. Even when we lived in the same town, we rarely talked. But now we never talk.

Or my two best friends at community college. We have had some distance. But we talk now. And I miss them. I wish I didn’t have to leave them behind. They were the first ones to ever see me drunk.

Or my friends. Who I see on facebook that I used to talk to almost every day. But now I see their pictures and they are making newer happier memories.

Or my first actual love interest. He’s still struggling. But he’s back with his first girlfriend and they are happy. I hope he lives long enough for it to get better.

Or they first guy who introduced me to Tonight Alive. Who wrote me notes in Physics and sang the pokemon theme song to cheer me up.

Or my only friend at private school, who was a compulsive and pathological liar. The best friend a suicidal teen could have.

Or my first boyfriend. Who I still can’t talk about.

Or my new friends. Who go out with me. Who work with me.

Sometimes it’s worth taking a look back. Because I am not saddened by all the changes in my life. But sometimes it’s astounding how much life can change (or not change) in a span of 6 months to 11 years.

I know some friends are friends for life. And I’m glad we still talk.

And I’m thankful to everyone else, for teaching me the lessons that I needed to learn.

Laekin

Pride& Everyone’s Prejudices

I’m so sick of the way I get treated. At first, I was going to make this post specifically about work. But then I realized that I get a lot of shit for no reason other than the fact that I’m doing okay.

Like how after my first year at an official university, my ex-friend and ex-roommate decided to demand $2000 from me because her sister’s car was dented on the hood when about 5 people sat on it. She decided to call me (and only me) out because I’m fat and we were no longer friends.

Or how my mother demands that I pay all $40k she took out in loans to put me through school, after I told her not to. 

Or how I was going to move into a house, but the two people living there told me I couldn’t move in because they refused to sign the lease so their friend could move in instead. And then when I told them I’d back out. They wanted me to move in just to pay the $800 they would be responsible for if I didn’t move in.

Or how I was told that my pet deposit was $300 with $200 refundable all 5 times I asked before I moved in. And I read the lease six times before signing. And I got less than $100 of the refundable deposit back when I moved out. But a whole month later, they contact me demanding $100 back because they claim $200 was nonrefundable the entire time.

Or how I get yelled at at the motel I work at for things that I am either not guilty of, or everyone else does it. And the one day I don’t cover their asses, I get in trouble.

Or how at the restaurant, I got servers yelling at me all day for their food going out wrong, when 90% of the time, it’s the other expo who pulled the ticket in the first place. Who didn’t even ask for help, or if they did, they didn’t even know what they were looking for. And even after I tell the people yelling at me that it wasn’t my ticket, they continue to yell at me until either they or I go home.

Or how I have a bunch of friends who claim that they are “too busy” to hangout. When I am far more busier than they are, and I find the time to hang out with friends and binge watch netflix.

Or how I get lectures from my family because my friends don’t have the same “values” as me. Because they like alcohol. Or have tried drugs. Or “look like” they are satanists. When my family barely even notices if I graduate. Or never even meets my friends. Because they live a whole town over. But since I like alcohol and I’m a “whore”, all of my friends are influencing me poorly.

Or how I’m not allowed to have opinions, because according to some people I’m just a woman who “hates on opinions” for believing that women should be treated equal. Or because I believe that LGBTQA people should be treated equal. And instead of dissing other people or staying silent, I voice my opinions without forcing them on others. Unless it’s something stupidly hypocritical like “gay isn’t okay–ever. But lesbian is–only if it’s during a threesome.” Then I’ll tell them that they’re contradicting themselves. Which makes me appear like a bitch and a hater.

I’m just tired of being treated like shit because I’m not conventional. Or because people don’t see everything I actually do. Or because I don’t like labels. Or because I am a cisfemale with opinions. Or because I just entered the “real” world in December. I’m sick of people taking advantage of me and 50 year old men stalking from job to job just to tell me I’m beautiful or force their opinions on me.

I am a cisfemale who identifies with she/her pronouns.

I am a feminist who believes that all genders and races should be treated equally. Regardless of their birth gender or sexual orientation.

I stand up for what I believe in–without offending other religions or opinions.

Respect me, or we will have a problem.

Laekin

P.S. Rant over.

P.P.S.